On Being Needed . . . and How to Change the World
by Whitney Fleming
My 83-year-old mother wrapped a large portion of my gifts yesterday, bought me Rain-X to keep my shower door clean, and then folded my daughter’s laundry. Somewhere in between, I think she unloaded the dishwasher and sent my other daughter a text wishing her good luck on a final exam.
She’s visiting for the holidays, and asked for a few chores to do to keep herself occupied while I finished some work and my daughters ran errands.
I don’t want my mom to do anything when she comes to my home; I simply want her to enjoy herself. She’s done her time. She’s served her family well.
But she keeps asking to help; she keeps buying things for me she thinks will make my life easier or that her granddaughters will like; she keeps telling us stories or asking about our days with interest.
She loves us so hard, so much, so well.
I know there is no greater gift than that. It is not lost on me. I am grateful for every day.
And I know I am the person I am today because of her.
I saw a quote yesterday where someone described another person by saying, “I love being around them because they’re what an adult looks like when their parents loved them so well.”
What a beautiful sentiment about parenting.
After a tremendously hard and chaotic upbringing, I believe my mother’s only goal was to give us a life she never had, to live with some peace, to love us well. It wasn’t always perfect, but at 83 years young, she still tries every day to give her kids what she never had.
And loving well is my end-goal, too. So I lean into everything my mom is and take the very best of her into my parenting, leaving just a few things out and then inadvertently adding my own issues to the mix. I’m not perfect, but I try hard every day to give my kids what I think they need, loving them with everything I am every chance I can get.
And this is how we change the world–or at least bring a little more love into it.
Love hard, friends. It’s the only thing that matters.
Whitney Fleming ~ Parenting Teens and Tweens
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Comments
Nancy – When I was a teen I didn’t like the way my mom folded towels and I would refold them. She came to visit me when I had a 1 year old and was working full time plus on-call. She offered to fold the huge pile of laundry that had accumulated and you bet I gratefully said yes. I didn’t refold anything.
Linda – When my mom came to visit, she would always clean out my fridge & freezer. I can never do as good as she did. She would catch up my laundry & ironing, my coworkers would say your mom is visiting, & they would say my uniform was ironed. Never did we hear I am to tired to make our favorite food for Xmas or come to help with anything we needed. I really miss her.
Robin – My Mom too had a chaotic upbringing. Growing up in an orphanage after her parents died at age 3. All she wanted was a family to love. She and my Dad created that and boy did she love with all of her heart, all of the time. Her favorite place to be was surrounded by her family. That’s how she lived and that’s how she died at age 88, 14 years ago. I miss my Mom every single day, but more at Christmastime. Mom was Christmas. Mom brought the magic. Enjoy your beautiful Mom. She’s a precious gift.
Lela – My mom was this way. When she visited she always wanted to help. I miss her so much everyday
Noelle – My mother was like this as well. She made the holiday’s magical and special. My birthday is on Christmas Day and she always made the effort to separate the celebrating, which I’m sure wasn’t easy. Christmas was in the morning but by 4pm we made the switch to a birthday party!
Patricia – My 91 Year old mom still does my laundry. Puts them on her walker rolls to dryer across the room According to her only she knows how to do laundry the correct way.
Elaine – Oh my. This made me tear up. How I’d love to have my Mom still here. She’s been gone almost 20 years
Julie – Huge hugs to everyone missing their moms. And props to those who may not have had this type of mom but are doing their best trying to love their kids well.
Lisa – I had this type of mom and she passed in March. She is so missed.
Katie – My mom is almost 85 years old, lives with me and is very similar to your mom. As her body is declining, her mind remains strong, and she is pushing herself to keep doing the things she used to do. She can’t, but the will is there…
Suzanne – Moms are used to being busy. My MIL was the same. I gave her jobs to do because otherwise she didn’t seem comfortable.
LeeAnne – These moms want to be busy and “useful” plus they probably remember how hard it is to do “everything” -treasure every moment!! My mom @89 with advancing Parkinsons can no longer do this!
Nancy – My MIL wants to help me cook so she is my soux chef! She laughs when I call her my “Slicer & Dicer” but she’s great with a knife!
Kristin – Love seeing families understand at the end of the day it’s about loving hard. To our kids and to our parents. Nothing is perfect and there’s hard stuff in there but at the end of the day, as you said, it’s loving well. May this season find you and your family well.
Janet – Speaking from the heart of a 77 year old Nana , Great Nana, I want to still be needed . This gives me purpose, and I like to be helpful and spoil my grown kids with my cooking, cleaning little tasks. It’s a service , a gift from my heart . If you say no then I feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Take me lunch, let’s get nails done, do a craft with me . But let me be helpful. It helps me to do that for you out of love . And bake cookies homemade, Crumbles are good but the love is missing.! Merry Christmas and God Bless you!
Carol – The last time I moved, the moving truck broke down, so they were a no-show. While we made multiple trips back and forth moving everything, mom, aunt and friend unpacked and arranged my kitchen. It was like Mama’s kitchen, so I had no trouble finding things!
Jessica – It is a gift to feel needed and wanted, and it seems that your mom knows that you value her instinct to be helpful.
Reminds me of a poem by Marge Pierce called “To Be of Use”…
The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.”
Gretchen – Beautifully written. I find comfort in knowing that you are cherishing your holiday time with your mom. Over this past year my mom has developed severe dementia. She is in the memory unit of a nursing home. It is so hard to visit her there, but I do several times a week. I visit her often not out of obligation, but for myself. I need to see her, hug her, and know that she is safe. The person that I am visiting is no longer my mom mentally. That person is gone and I grieve her every day. Others don’t understand how hard it is to have a parent with dementia. I did not until it was my mom. It is hard to explain that it is like a mini funeral every time I see her. It is ambiguous loss.
Eileen – I have so many great friends in my life, but I find that I lack the support from them. I truly am not angry about the lack of support, because it is not a grief that anyone else can understand. My mom does not have cancer or a tangible disease that you can ask about or pray for. It is a disease that many don’t understand. When I visit her each time I wonder if she has any memory of the wonderful life that she lived. She was a foster mother for most of my life and she opened her heart and home to infants that needed love. I have had over 80 foster brothers and sisters. In my eyes my mom will always be an angel among us. I wish for one more Christmas filled with traditions and laughter. Enjoy every moment with your mom. Time really is a thief. Merry Christmas.
Pamela – Very well said! My mom passed Thanksgiving 2024 at 90. She had a very hard life and terrible abusive husbands. She got my sisters and herself out. Did not always make the best choices but she loved us so much . What totally amazes me she never was a bitter woman. Funny, loving and worked so hard for employers who cared less. I miss her and Holidays are hard. But I am so grateful for her. Happy Holidays!
Aileen – What a blessing! To have a Mom who is still with you & able to help!
