by Julie Bogart, Tea with Julie
Welcome to “Tea with Julie,” a weekly missive by me, Julie Bogart. My wish is to give you food for thought over a cup of tea to enhance your life as an educator, parent, and awesome adult. Glad you’re here. Pinkies up!
Week 1: Introduction
Do you wish your kids would do what they should because they feel internally driven to do so?
Yeah, I thought so.
In [this] series, we’re going to look at what kind of parenting leads to growing kids who take responsibility for their lives: whether personal passions or education or tasks.
We’ll look at this topic for five weeks! Be sure to flag these emails as they come in.
Topics
- Shifting Responsibility
- Suit Responsibility to Capacity
- Action or Attitude
- The Peril of Trusting Your Child
- Teach Self Awareness
If you’ve got a friend who would benefit from this series, have them sign up for the Tea with Julie messages! Invite a friend to sign up for Tea with Julie
I appreciate you!
Warmly, Julie Bogart
Week 1: Shifting Responsibility 8/27
We can only drive our kids so far. At some point, they have to take the wheel. Those who have never been allowed to make meaningful decisions until later in life are likely to flounder. ~Dr. William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child
Our job is not to nag or punish our children into cooperation.
Your “reminders” have become nagging when you:
- act as the notification system to keep your child on track
- care more about the tasks than your child does
- feel annoyed all day
- feel disrespected
- make the “asks” fun yet your kids still won’t follow through
Rather, the key to productive youth is motivation.
When you are exhausted from pushing the rock up the hill (the activities, education, showers, chores, clean clothes, homework) on behalf of your child through shaming, blaming, and incessant reminding, pivot.
Go on a “caring fast.”
Choose to not care for a day.
- Wake up, make your favorite hot beverage, open your phone, tune into a podcast, put your feet up.
- Next, maybe take the dog for a walk, read a chapter of a book, throw in a load of laundry, eat a snack.
- At some point, some child is going to wonder: “What are we supposed to do today Mom/Dad?” With a nonchalant manner, simply say, “I don’t know. Up to you. I’m busy with X.”
- Go back to X.
To shift responsibility to a child, be honest without assigning motives.
“I’m here to help you with school work or lunch (or whatever) when you are ready. Until then, I’ve got other stuff to do.”
The key to this practice is not using it as manipulation. You are training yourself to care less, too. This is the beginning of shifting the responsibility to your child away from yourself.
It’s hard! Parents like control. That preteen or teen doesn’t want the responsibility, so they keep putting it back on you. Drop the rope. No more tug of war.
Get busy, give space, and trust.
It’s a detox for you too!
Week 2: Shifting Responsibility 9/3
Think less about turning your kids into responsible mini adults and more about how to ensure they have a happy childhood.
Whether you homeschool or not, parents want to give their kids happy childhoods. A happy childhood doesn’t mean trouble-free. It simply means that on balance, your child feels secure—
- provided for,
- loved,
- and given an abundance of satisfying experiences.
If we are more oriented toward adulthood, we focus too much on preparation for responsibilities that aren’t yet on a child’s time horizon. They can imagine a few hours when toddlers, a few days when small children, and a few weeks at a time by age ten. Months and years become easier to envision in a teen’s life. A decade is nearly impossible to imagine until you’re over 20.
That means: preparing a five year old for the day he is driving or a ten year old for the day she will pay the rent or a 15 year old for the day they retire is overkill.
A happy childhood is one suited to the age and stage of the child.
So what’s your job?
Your job is to suit any responsibilities to the capacities of that child or teen’s attention span. It’s your task to find delightful activities and experiences that cater to your child’s immediate stage of growth.
When you do, oh the delight that follows!
Side effect: skill building that is on target for that child’s capabilities. A child who is eager to hammer nails into a board is ready to learn how to handle a hammer. It makes less sense to teach “how to care for tools” before a child is ready to wield them!
Likewise, if you want a happy child, think through what enlivens and entices your child. Usually these are activities that require supervision because there’s risk and adventure built in.
Mark my words: a child who is excited to try an activity is also more open to learning the responsibilities that go with that activity—how to hold the camera or use the sharp knife or ride a horse or mix the chemicals or rearrange the furniture without damaging it.
If you want responsible kids, cater to their bravest aspirations and show them how to have what they want responsibly.
Week 3: Action or Attitude
You may find your child cooperates more readily with more control over his or her learning experience.
Most kids know there are lessons to complete or a set of problems to finish. When they refuse to do what they’re asked, or when they whine and complain, parents get into power-over thinking—requiring kids to do what we say or else. But if we shift to a power-with attitude, we tap into a child’s self-awareness and desire to grow.
So instead of “assigning” twenty math problems or six sentences of copywork or three pages of reading or five grammar declensions, pause.
Ask your child:
- “How much do you feel you can do?”
- Or “How many do you have the energy to complete?”
In other words, give your child a chance to look inside to see how much energy and commitment your child has for the task.
She might say: “One problem.” You know, to test you. To see if you are interested in what she’s willing to execute.
If you reply saying, “Great! Let me know when you’re finished and we’ll high five,” she may be stunned into silence. She may even find herself doing more problems (I hear this a lot). Permission to pay attention to energy level is a powerful tool in the learning kit!
Another child might be overly ambitious saying 50 math problems. When he loses steam after 12, affirm all he got done and remind him he can set a lower goal tomorrow.
The purpose of this is to slowly, subtly shift responsibly for learning over time from you to your child. When we show respect for a child’s energy as it undulates day to day, we teach our kids how to be disciplined and self-aware people.
We create a partnership of learning, rather than “doing education to our children.”
Week 4: Suit Responsibility to Capacity 9/10
Think less about turning your kids into responsible mini adults and more about how to ensure they have a happy childhood.
Whether you homeschool or not, parents want to give their kids happy childhoods. A happy childhood doesn’t mean trouble-free. It simply means that on balance, your child feels secure—
- provided for,
- loved,
- and given an abundance of satisfying experiences.
If we are more oriented toward adulthood, we focus too much on preparation for responsibilities that aren’t yet on a child’s time horizon. They can imagine a few hours when toddlers, a few days when small children, and a few weeks at a time by age ten. Months and years become easier to envision in a teen’s life. A decade is nearly impossible to imagine until you’re over 20.
That means: preparing a five year old for the day he is driving or a ten year old for the day she will pay the rent or a 15 year old for the day they retire is overkill.
A happy childhood is one suited to the age and stage of the child.
So what’s your job?
Your job is to suit any responsibilities to the capacities of that child or teen’s attention span. It’s your task to find delightful activities and experiences that cater to your child’s immediate stage of growth.
When you do, oh the delight that follows!
Side effect: skill building that is on target for that child’s capabilities. A child who is eager to hammer nails into a board is ready to learn how to handle a hammer. It makes less sense to teach “how to care for tools” before a child is ready to wield them!
Likewise, if you want a happy child, think through what enlivens and entices your child. Usually these are activities that require supervision because there’s risk and adventure built in.
Mark my words: a child who is excited to try an activity is also more open to learning the responsibilities that go with that activity—how to hold the camera or use the sharp knife or ride a horse or mix the chemicals or rearrange the furniture without damaging it.
If you want responsible kids, cater to their bravest aspirations and show them how to have what they want responsibly.
Week 4: The Peril of Trusting Your Child 9/17
You may find your child cooperates more readily with more control over his or her learning experience.
Most kids know there are lessons to complete or a set of problems to finish. When they refuse to do what they’re asked, or when they whine and complain, parents get into power-over thinking—requiring kids to do what we say or else. But if we shift to a power-with attitude, we tap into a child’s self-awareness and desire to grow.
So instead of “assigning” twenty math problems or six sentences of copywork or three pages of reading or five grammar declensions, pause.
Ask your child:
- “How much do you feel you can do?”
- Or “How many do you have the energy to complete?”
In other words, give your child a chance to look inside to see how much energy and commitment your child has for the task.
She might say: “One problem.” You know, to test you. To see if you are interested in what she’s willing to execute.
If you reply saying, “Great! Let me know when you’re finished and we’ll high five,” she may be stunned into silence. She may even find herself doing more problems (I hear this a lot). Permission to pay attention to energy level is a powerful tool in the learning kit!
Another child might be overly ambitious saying 50 math problems. When he loses steam after 12, affirm all he got done and remind him he can set a lower goal tomorrow.
The purpose of this is to slowly, subtly shift responsibly for learning over time from you to your child. When we show respect for a child’s energy as it undulates day to day, we teach our kids how to be disciplined and self-aware people.
We create a partnership of learning, rather than “doing education to our children.”
Week 5: Teach Self Awareness 9/24
Now that you’ve taken a much-needed break and discovered that the roof didn’t cave in from a day of neglect, you are ready for the next steps.
Here we go: You can’t coerce the action AND the attitude.
Most of us want our kids to not only DO the thing, but to be happy about it! Sorry. You only get to pick one: the action they resist or their pleasure in doing what they prefer.
If you make your kids do an action they don’t want to do, they will depend on you to:
- carry the energy to remember,
- do it well,
- be consistent,
- be on time.
Ask yourself: How many activities in your child’s life are you willing to monitor and direct without their corresponding enthusiasm? (My guess: if you’re directing all day long, you’re growing resentful.)
The truth is:
Our children can handle about 2-3 requirements from us per day without wilting. So, which things are the most important? Get that list down to a few essentials. Everything else? Negotiable.
Change how you approach the rest of the stuff.
“Child of my heart, I love it when beds are made, clothing is in the hamper, and dishes make it to the dishwasher. Which of those three do you like least, best? Which do you want to skip forever?”
Ask for help. Offer help. Share the task. Leave a note. Do the thing twice a week rather than every day. Skip the awful thing for a month. Ask what your child would prefer to do to the odious chore. Prepare for trips out of the house the night before. Ask your child to do one thing now, wait for child to complete, then the next thing.
Lastly: let them know you have needs/feelings too. Be honest and flexible, kind and firm, responsive and creative.
Drop resentment. And care less.
If you know someone who would benefit from this series, have them sign up for the Tea with Julie messages!
