When I become emotionally triggered, I am NOT my best self, especially during intense times in my own life or in the world around me. I am far more likely to make mistakes in judgement, harm relationships, and waste a lot of time and energy.
The reality is that we often cannot control what happens to or around us – or what other people say or do. What we DO have control over is how we speak, act, or respond – and over what we do to take care of ourselves.
The knowledge and skills we teach in Kidpower have prepared millions of people of all ages worldwide to understand and take charge of their emotional triggers.
What are Emotional Triggers – and Why Do They Matter?
Emotional triggers are thoughts, words, gestures, smells, sounds, stories, ideas, or other things that cause us to explode with positive and/or negative feelings.
When our minds and bodies are flooded with emotions, it is hard to think clearly or to make safe and wise choices for ourselves or others.
Looking back, we might really wish that we had said or done things differently and be asking ourselves:
“What is WRONG with me? Getting upset to the point of screaming insults is NOT who I want to be.”
“WHY do I worry all night about what someone might think about me? I feel miserable and it doesn’t make anything better.”
We might blame others for our reactions by saying, “This is YOUR fault! You MADE me triggered!”
We might feel helpless and think, “This is just the way I am. I can’t change.”
Instead of letting our triggers rule our lives, we can recognize when we are triggered and choose how we are going to think, feel, and act.
What Does It Feel Like To Be Positively Triggered?
Positive emotional triggers often cause people to have such overwhelming feelings of admiration, respect, joy, connection, and trust that they lower their boundaries and might even forget their values.
Positive triggers often feel great at first and eventually tend to cause problems.
We hear stories from people we serve, such as:
“I was so delighted to be falling in love that I missed signs that this relationship was becoming abusive.”
“I wanted to be part of that group so much that I tolerated and even sometimes enabled the unethical and destructive behavior of the leaders for far too long.”
“I trusted them because they were so famous and seemed to stand for all the things I believed in. I was heartbroken when I found out that the reality of what they were doing was a far cry from what they had said.”
Some people get so positively triggered that they cross others’ boundaries – like hugging a child who does not want to be hugged – or staring at someone in a way that makes them uncomfortable – or making an offensive joke during a business or social conversation – or insisting on giving someone help they really don’t want.
There have been times in my own life when I wanted so deeply for everyone around me to be happy that I did everything I could to please all of them and to avoid disappointing any of them. Unfortunately, this often backfired! No one was pleased, many were irritated, and everyone was disappointed, including myself.
What Does It Feel Like To Be Negatively Triggered?
It is normal to have strong negative feelings such as upset, fear, worry, loneliness, distrust, despair, or rage when you believe you or your loved ones are facing any kind of threat to your safety, health, or wellbeing.
When we ask people how they feel when they are negatively triggered, they often describe unpleasant physical sensations such as:
“I get sick to my stomach”
“My throat squeezes shut, and I can’t swallow.”
“I get lightheaded, as if I’m going to faint.”
“My palms start to sweat.”
“My heart starts pounding.”
“I start to cry.”
“My mind goes blank.”
Sometimes, people will say or do things that are hurtful without intention or awareness of the potential harm. I have done this myself – and probably you have, too. Sometimes, someone will deliberately use emotional attack messages that trigger us into believing we are worthless, helpless, or obligated to help this person, even if it is not in our best interest to do so.
In workshops for adults, we sometimes have our participants imagine that a colleague is saying something rude, such as, “I really hate working with you!”
In order to increase their recognition of this kind of trigger, we have them act out different reactions, such as: Exploding inward by wincing and saying, “OUCH! My colleague hates working with me! I must be a terrible team member.”
- Exploding outwards by yelling, “HEY! How dare you say that to me!”
- Freezing by gasping and holding their breath.Disconnecting by shrugging and saying, “Whatever!” or making a joke.
- Going on automatic pilot by saying, “I GOTTA FIX IT!” while closing their eyes and moving their arms and legs aimlessly.
- People are also often triggered by FEAR of causing or experiencing upsetting feelings such as embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense. They also express fear of disappointing someone or of being disappointed themselves.
- Finally, you might have an intense negative reaction to something or someone that seems completely illogical because this reminds you of a bad experience or a difficult relationship in some other part of your life.
Self-Awareness Strategies to Notice and Stop Emotional Triggers
Remember that it is one thing to FEEL – and another to DO – and that powerful feelings in one moment can change in the next, especially if you can get more perspective.
Being swept off your feet or blown away by how wonderfully someone acts is very exciting – and, this is a good time to get your balance.
These self-awareness strategies are also important in dealing with negative triggers.
Pause. Suppose someone who seems very knowledgeable and trustworthy is telling you how to make a lot of money. You might be joyfully saying to yourself, “Wow! This is TOO GOOD to be true! I don’t want to miss this amazing opportunity.” Before you do anything else, pause and ask yourself, “Am I becoming positively triggered?”
Reframe. In his ground-breaking book The Gift of Fear, international security expert Gavin de Becker says that one of the tactics that attackers use to lower the guard of potential victims is projecting charm and niceness. Instead of thinking, “This person is so charming!”, he recommends that you tell yourself, “I am being charmed.”
If you suddenly dislike someone for no apparent reason, ask yourself, “Does something about this person remind me of someone else who has caused problems for me?”
Learn more. If you are triggered by people who are different than you are, one strategy is to get to know someone from this group so that they no longer seem so strange to you.
Acknowledge. If it seems appropriate, you might even discuss your reaction with the person who is triggering you. Many years ago, someone in training to be an instructor told me, “Your voice reminds me of my mother, who was very emotionally manipulative, and I feel like I can’t trust you, even though I know it’s not fair or rational.”
I said, “Thank you for telling me. That took a lot of courage. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”
She looked surprised and said, “Actually, just being able to tell you and being listened to so respectfully is causing your voice to sound like YOU, and not like my mother.”
Put Safety FIRST!
Many people are triggered by fear of causing or experiencing upsetting feelings like embarrassment, inconvenience, disappointment, overwhelm, or offense.
If you recognize this kind of fear, you can acknowledge your feelings and decide to put safety and well-being first, without blaming yourself or anyone else. You might tell yourself, “I am not going to let my fear of upset feelings stop me from taking care of myself or from doing what’s right.” When you are triggered, it is especially important to slow down, stay mindful, and be very careful.
If someone is attacking you with insults, threats, or emotional coercion, it is normal to feel extremely upset or uncomfortable. If you lash back at them, this person is likely to feel entitled to keep going. Instead, you can tell yourself, “This is an emotional attack!”
You can then use one or more of the techniques described in this article to protect your feelings: Twelve Emotional Safety Skills for All Ages.
Later, you might choose to set boundaries with this person and/or to get help.
Remember:
- You are NOT your triggers.
- You are best off when you are in charge of your emotional triggers rather than having them be in charge of you.
- When you are overwhelmed with positive or negative feelings, this is probably a warning sign that you are getting triggered.
- Making decisions or reacting automatically when you are triggered is likely to cause problems.With self-awareness, positive communication, and emotional safety skills, you can take charge of your triggers.
A Life-Long Journey
Learning to deal with my own triggers has been and is a life-long journey. I am always learning from the experiences of others. I’d love to know…
- What are YOUR triggers?
- What do they feel like to you?
- What problems have they caused for you?
- What do you do to stay in charge of your triggers instead of having them be in charge of you?
