Experienced Moms and Dads Offer Help for Parents Whose Children are Experiencing Challenges Adjusting to A New Class/Fellow Students/Teacher/
Author – “I didn’t know elementary school would be so hard. My son is a 1st grader he behaves well at school and does well academically. He is in a new class with mostly new people and having a hard time. Most of his friends from kindergarten are in the other 1st grade class. I don’t really know how to support him through this but I’m doing my best. Nearly every night when I put him to bed he’s in tears telling me about how he doesn’t like his class and is struggling emotionally not academically. He tells me stories about how various kids did something to hurt his feelings, usually the things the kids do are very minor like kicking a ball away from him, or not wanting to play when asked, but these things seem to really upset him. Usually when I pick him up from school he always seems happy and is playing with other kids so it’s not that he doesn’t have any friends. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or reassurance here that everything is fine. I know the world is tough and he is a sensitive soul.”
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E – I am a teacher and have taught for 27 years. His feelings are very normal and similar to what many of his peers are experiencing at this point in the school year. The beginning of the school year is accompanied by a lot of anxiety and nervousness about transitions. There are different expectations as he moves up to the grades and that causes kids stress as they realize they will be expected to read and write more. I hope this helps! It will get better very quickly and if it doesn’t, you should inform his teacher and ask for some type of support through the school counselor or social emotional learning lessons.
S – So tough. When my daughter was in 1st grade I would get a call once a week to go pick her up because she wasn’t feeling well. First grade is a HUGE transition from kindergarten. Now that my daughter is in third grade she loves school and has a solid group of friends. Totally tough, but it should get better, hopefully. Can you set up play dates for him with classmates? Help him develop a little support crew in his class. I would also say something to the teacher, who should know he’s having a rough time.
M – I’d let the principle know that your son might be better placed in another class. Maybe there is a kid in that class that would like to be in your sons class instead. Even if a switch is not possible, asking the teacher and principle about anything they’re noticing is helpful. Definitely support your child and validate/commiserate their feelings. Good luck.
L – If you have the time, I highly recommend volunteering in the class. See what’s going on for yourself. Also get him into activities that his classmates are in. Sports etc. Hanging out outside of school really helps to build relationships with other kids and their families.
P – Give it a week. If he’s still struggling talk with teacher.
S – Awe the struggle feels real! My mama heart goes out to you. I used to work as a school counselor so here are some thoughts from that place. Have you chatted with the teacher at all? They can hopefully share a little more about what they’re observing for your son and keep an eye out for him and friendship opportunities. He might just be needing some more time to adjust to his new class and find a stronger sense of belonging with so many new folks. Does the school/teacher use Positive Discipline?
P – The days are long and exhausting at that age. First grade was our hardest and biggest transition. My son is in 8th and I still remember that time like yesterday. They are so young and figuring out so much and life is just overwhelming. It’s wonderful he feels safe to talk it out with you. I know it tears you up but he might just need to release it at night and then be ready to the next day. My son was a bedtime processor and that sometimes meant a huge unraveling of stuff he had held in all day. Hang in there. I know it’s hard but you just holding space is powerful support.
K – My son is in 4th and also a sensitive soul who does well academically but sometimes struggles with big feelings around friends and playground “fairness.” I know that mama pain-in-your-chest and up-at-2am-with-your-brain-spinning feeling. I was not prepared for it to be so hard either. It has helped me to have an open dialogue with my friends about the struggle. Do you have mom friends who you can commiserate with? If not, this group is a great place to start to establish some of those relationships.
C – It hurts like hell to hear these things from your kid:( He will be okay Mom.
J – I hear you mama. This social and emotional stuff with friends is coming up already at such a young age?!? I echo advice above, definitely have open communication with the teacher and also ask about the school counselor and what support they can provide. Our school counselor helped a lot when my child was having a hard time socially and emotionally around the same age. Just a couple visits with the school counselor really made a big difference. Keep encouraging your child to be open and honest with his feelings. It sounds you are and you will continue to be his safe place. And remember reach out to your friends for support and time to vent when you need too. You got this mama!
T – I’m not sure what school your son goes to but when my son was struggling emotionally, we spoke to the school counselor and she included him in a group called the friendship group. And it was basically where they pull 6 or 7 kids in who are going thru the same things and helped them cultivate positive friendship circles to help support each other, have someone they know and can play or interact with. The counselor would also checked in casually just to gage how he was doing. Maybe look into something similar at your school. I hope the school year gets better!
A – Consider a smaller private school such as the Waldorf school or Montessori. My son was at the SC Waldorf school from pre-K to 4th. Their teacher training is profound & the reverence they hold for each & every child is precious. Especially at such a young & tender age…
G – Oh yes. My son was the same. A beautiful, sensitive soul. Still is but now a teenager. What helped my kiddo was constant reframing. He was always so happy when I showed up…playing with friends and seemingly having a great time and then at home would talk about how he didn’t have friends. Some of us are glass half empty and some of us are glass half full and with my son I learned how to reframe things with him after allowing him to decompress each night. My son is also very funny and so he learned how to combat most situations by making people laugh. Good luck mama. It’s so hard to see our babies suffer but this is how they learn to navigate their world. I’m loving all the suggestions from the other mamas. Great advice.
W – Your child feels safe connecting with you. Maybe that’s just enough and that that’s all they need, is just you to listen. Sometimes kids don’t need you to fix everything for them. When you pick them up from school and everything seems fine, but later they share their feelings with you and get it off their chest, then they’re not holding it inside. When your children share their struggles with you, you carry their pain with you always.
B – When I spoke to my child’s teacher, she ended up asking a couple of students to make a point to hang out with my kiddo at recess, because my child was having a hard time breaking the ice, and that really turned things around for them.
M – Can you volunteer in his classroom? It might help him and that way you can see his peers and how they interact as well. I’ve been able to volunteer in all my children’s classrooms and it definitely gives the kids a boost and it also clues me in to the dynamics of their classrooms. I encourage all parents to volunteer if possible.
E – Have you spoken to the teacher? If it doesn’t get better you could ask to have him moved to the other class?
L -When my daughter was having troubles in one of her classes, I spoke the the principal and she switched her to the other 2nd grade class and it was a really great move.
D – We moved my daughter to a new school in first grade because she was accepted into a bilingual program, and she had some of those same struggles when joining a new school where she only knew one person in her grade/class. I reached out to the teacher for help. She made an effort to integrate the kids more in classroom with ice-breaker activities, and reminded everyone of the importance of the Buddy Bench. It helped a lot and soon my daughter felt like she was making friends in her classroom and enjoying school again. I hope you can enlist some help from the teacher too, and maybe try to initiate a play date with classmates if possible, so your son can find his comfort zone again.
C – Talk to the teacher and ask her how your son is doing socially. First grade kiddos for the most part are very accepting. Give him tools to help him handle the things that come up on the playground. I teach first grade. When someone says another classmate can’t play with them, I remind ALL students that the answer is always “Yes.”
Z – First grade (last year) was HARD! A lot go from half day kinder to full day in first and they are challenged so much more academically. Also, boys this age are very sensitive. It will get better, but may take some time. It was a good 6-8+ weeks for my son to get into the groove and stop begging me (with tears) to stay home from school. If he was having a particularly hard day that he couldn’t shake the next day I would allow him a mental health day. I’d definitely email the teacher and let them know of your son’s feelings so they can keep an eye out. Often, they will try to facilitate friendships. I know how hard it is to see your child so upset; it really stressed me out last year! Hang in their mama, it will get better.
O – This was my child last year in first and when he didn’t have his friends to distract him in his class he became a great student and started friendships with the girls. I’m so grateful for the arch of that experience, the let-down , the perseverance, the creativity and intellectual growth that came from it. And this year he got put back in the class of one of his best buds! It will likely continue to flip flop as he goes through school. The social growth is tremendous in elementary school. I know how hard it is to feel for them when they don’t have a best buddy. We want close friendship for them.
F – Wow, I couldn’t agree more! It’s so true that our kids are placed in such unnatural environments in classrooms. I mean, humans didn’t evolve to be stuck with 30 kids the same age all day long. Have you ever considered exploring alternatives to this? Our family has personally fallen in love with unschooling! It just feels so much more natural for our kids to be around a diverse group of people, both younger and older, with their family close by.
C – Oh no! My boys are very sensitive. When I worked at the school as a teacher I saw it a little differently or with a different perspective. If you can volunteer it helps a lot even yard duty etc.
B – Bring it up to the teacher and principal if you don’t get a response from the teacher. That’s part of their role at school.
I – I feel you. My son was labeled as a “loner” in Kindergarten last year by his teacher!! He just needed help making friends. Hoping 1st grade is better.
R – I would chat with the teacher. In our school, they have monthly messages like ‘respect’ or ‘inclusion.’ We usually follow this up with books at home (from the library or bookstore). The teacher can also do his-her own thing on inclusion. Part of our lesson was that it’s okay for the other kid to not want to play with you. They can’t be mean about it but that’s their choice. So maybe leasons need to go both ways.
Also, are the parents in your class friendly? We try to all communicate to each other directly when issues come up so everyone feels supported – parents and kiddos. They are all learning, as are we parents. It’s hard to watch your kid struggle – sometimes these are just lessons to learn and sometimes it’s more. I wish you all the luck.
N – Just started 2nd grade. Last year was rough. This year seems better because I’m putting more supports in place for my child. Schools are hard at work trying to support everyone too. Growing up is hard work. We adults were overwhelmed, doing our best to navigate too. We did much TLC after school to help transition, process and comfort our littlest. Big developmental work happened in 1st grade, lots of anxieties, social emotional struggles, tears, big feelings, concerns, learning and developing. You’re not alone momma.
Author – Thank you everyone for your support and advice! I feel so supported and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this. I don’t think he is being bullied but I will definitely be watching out for it. I think mainly it’s just an adjustment period and he will hopefully create some strong friendships. I don’t want to move him from the class he is in just because it’s not his comfort zone I want to hopefully let him work things out on his own. If that doesn’t seem possible I will look into changes. It really resonated with me when someone mentioned that I might be his safe place to vent his feelings from the day! He seemed fine this morning to go to school and immediately ran off with friends to play. Maybe I’m struggling with these strong feelings because I feel I need to make things better but maybe he just needs to release them and then he feels better not holding everything in.
